TWILIGHT

(Originally created in March 2008)

* WARNING - CONTAINS LANGUAGE SOME MAY FIND OFFENSIVE. DISCRETION ADVISED. *

Ahh Twilight...

The most anticipated movie since the Dark Knight. Why? Because the books were good? (supposedly...never read them)
I tried to watch Twilight with an open mind. Believe me I tried. I couldn't do it.
From the get go I had many a homosexual references/jokes linked to this movie and specifically Robert Pattinson directly. Not that he's gay (not that he's not), just his overall character layout seemed...well...gay.
In the end, I couldn't change my opinion.

THE STORY

First of all you've got the Cullen's; a group of incest loving "vampires" who wear more make-up than Dennis Rodman and can't bring themselves to eat people so they eat animals. Yes, I know, there was a back story on that back I am not even going there. So anyways, these bunch of Anne Rice Louie's who feed off rats (not really but if you haven't seen Interview With The Vampire, ignore and keep reading), these supposed vampires don't seem to bare any fangs yet can bite into your jugular like butter (not that they show anything, cuz that would actually make the movie cool). And the kicker of gaydom (yup, I said gaydom - not a word but since when has that stopped me?) is that these creatures of the night cannot go into the sunlight. Not for any cool reasons like burning up like a bonfire or even turning to ash, no no, beause they f*cking thparkle (that's sparkle with a lisp to get my incredibly stereotypical gay point across). They look like someone who took a dip in glue and got caught in a glitter factory explosion. That type of sparkle.

And wouldn't you know, young Ms. Bella (a fairly attractive Kristen Stewart) Swan, who just moved back to her childhood town of Forks, Washingtonwith her father is immediately smitten with the only single Cullen. Why the only single? Did I mention the incest comment earlier? The other 2 "brothers" and 2 "sisters" are DATING EACH OTHER. Yes, I realize they are all "adopted" and they are really are more like a clan (or a coven if you will), but for all introductory intents and purposes they eluded to as brothers and sisters.
So poor Mr. Edward (holy sh*t I need some make-up remover Robert Pattinson) Cullen, who never gave any other girl in school the time of day, falls in love back. But, to protect her from his evil make-up wearing, animal eating, supposed vampire ways he plays coy. Which if we've learned aything from EVERY OTHER romance out there, that means the girl just wants him more.
However, one fateful cloudy day (because apparently in the state of Washington, it is cloudy EVERY DAY during the spring - and as such Mr. Sparkle and his buddies are able to got out) he saves Bella's life from being a pancake between a skidding SUV and her own truck by sticking out his hand and stopping the SUV in it's tracks (and leaving a helluva handprint deep in the SUV's passenger door that only Bella seems to notice - which was, might I add, actually one of two of the cooler scenes in the movie).
So, after that, she follows him like a lost little puppy dog looking for a leg to hump and hounds him repeatedly with "what are you" questions until he tells her (actually she tells him in the worst game of 20 questions EVER!). But she remains unafraid (as he thought she'd be) and they become a couple. Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwww......
They even meet her dad. He loves Edward so much he gives her a can of pepper spray. Talk about getting Daddy's acceptance.
Meanwhile, in the back story, enter a group of 3 rogue vampires. The "leader" named Laurent (who looks like Hollywood's take on what EVERY Jamaican looks like - long ass dreads and all - yet hails from Kenya) , and of course another "couple". There's James, who looks like a modern day Lestat (except a fashion model reject from Denim R Us), and the only cool vampire in the ENTIRE movie. And there's Victoria, his beau, who herself is rather badass (again barring her Hollywood reject fashion sense). The guys are actually killers...of humans. FINALLY the movie is gonna get good!!! Wait...nope. It didn't.
During another cloudy day (see above) the Cullen family and Bella (whom they have accepted just a little TOO easily) are out for a game of family baseball. A baseball game which consisted of vampire strength and speed...as that was the only way they kept the scene from being boring as sin. Regardless, through the trees enter the 3 real vampires just wanting to say whassup. The Cullen's knowing that the dumb bitch Eddie brought is going to get them all killed, tried to hide 100 lb Bella behind the 120 lb Edward. Needless to say it didn't work. James, badass vampire extraordinaire, smells her cheap perfume (or human blood...one or the other) and says "You brought a snack". With isn't very presumptuous, as they are vampires too, so why else would they have a mortal with them.
So, instead of hospitality, the Cullens (after dangling a fresh piece of meat in front of a killer who they know feeds on human blood) get all hissy and take her away from their new found co-species like the
c*ckteases they probably are. And they wonder why James gets pissed.
So they get Edward and his super duper speed to take Bella away, tell her father off, and flee with them to who the hell knows where. Which is of course fine, after they've known each other for like a week.
In the end, they end up in a warehouse, James finds them, fight ensues between James and Edward (though I'm sure it was just Edward's excuse to grope James). This represents the ONLY other cool scene in the movie. During the epic 2 and a half minute battle (because making the coolest scene in the movie last a long time would be asking for too much), Edward's loving (too much loving) family comes and (only in the backgroud) apparently kills James.
They can now move back to Forks so Bella can apologize to her dad (whom she acted like such a bitch to that even I wouldn't take her back) and move back home. He of course takes her back without one ill word spoke. He of course reminds her of the pepper spray he gave her. So apparently he still is a fan.

And Bella and Edward live happily ever after....well at least until the next (of 4!!!!!) movies come out.

God help us all.


Later.