TWILIGHT SAGA: NEW MOON

* This review WILL contain spoilers. *

The night was upon me. Never have I felt anticipation and disgust at the exact same time. Anticipation for the inevitable evening that lied ahead. An evening where I, Cory, was to sit and watch “The Twilight Saga: New Moon” for the very first time. Disgust, simply due to the fact it carried the Twilight franchise name to it. This franchise has, thus far, wretched my stomach in every way imaginable. It has turned my beloved vampire genre to a joke – pure and simple. Bastardizing a beautiful, poetic, and flat out horrific creature into a girly, pinky-lifting, un-heterosexual, sorry excuse for a monster.
I had to watch it, after all. While I LOATHED the first movie, I at least loathed it with just cause and specific reasons (see original Twilight Review). This was a whole new movie – if I hate it I at least need to say why I hated it. If I liked it, I would have NO PROBLEM admitting it. So, without further ado, my “Twilight Saga: New Moon” review begins…now!

The first emotion that came to me after I pushed stop post-closing credits was surprise. The character introduction in the movie was flawless. A few new breeds of creatures were brought into the saga. First, there is the wolf pack. A badass group of lycanthropes that, aided with near-perfect CGI, was the saga’s first real monsters since James, Laurent and Victoria from Twilight. On that note, Victoria is back. And that fiery redhead is out to avenge the death of her lover by a much more inferior group of (sort of) blood-sucking creatures of the night…and of course, Bella. (Actually the term creatures of the night don’t even apply with this franchise either…damn you Stephenie Meyer!!!) Finally, and most impressively, you have the Volturi. This is like the vampire elder equivalent. If you are immortal and you want to die, you go see the Volturi.

So we begin with Bella dreaming. She’s in the woods, and it’s a sunny day. Enter, not just Edward, but a thooper thparkly (ref: 1st review) Edward. (How to remain calm and objective at this point is beyond me, but I keep trying…) However, she dreams that while Edward will stay young forever she will become an old hag. She wakes up. This of course leads to the fact that it’s her birthday and she is turning 1 year older (a whopping 18). Her dad comes into the room, still apparently unsure on how to be a dad. Dude, it’s been like a year...let it go. For her birthday he gets her a camera while her mom had mailed her a scrapbook so she could document her senior year.
As she drives to school that morning they explain on the radio that there are more mysterious disappearances of hikers. (Because, you know, that’s not foreshadowing or anything.) So once she arrives at school she sees her friends and starts talking about senior year, pictures for her book, etc. when Edward pulls up. Throwing her friends aside like yesterday’s garbage she goes up to Edward and in comes a slew of nauseating dialogue as only Stephenie Meyer can come up with. However, enter Jacob (causing Edward to back off to the real alpha male) spouting off things like we need to hang out more. I guess his 16-year-old hormones are finally kicking in. In the background Edward is noticeable jealous – even more so when he sees that Jacob made her a gift (a dream catcher). In the hallways he asked (whines?) her why Jacob Black is allowed to buy her a gift and he can’t. All she basically responds with is “just cause”. He then proceeds to vomit out one of the many lines that made me yell at the TV:

“Bella, you give me everything just by breathing.”

OH MY GOD! WHO SAYS THAT?! Enter Alice Cullen inviting Bella to a birthday party at Cullen Manor. In the background Jasper looks on uncomfortable as ever. But hey, at least the pain stopped (character reference from the first movie – if unsure ignore), hell he even cracked a smile!
So the happy couple is now in class watching Romeo & Juliet and Edward starts whining about how humans have it easy when it comes to suicide. He wasn’t able to do it, because apparently after Bella was bit in the first movie and he didn’t think he could save her he wanted to do it. (Yup, this movie tells you that if you lose your love at the age of 17 it’s OK to kill yourself. Wonderful message # 1! ) He then proceeds to explain about the Volturi. They are the only creatures that can kill you if you want to die. (Which I guess makes sense. After all, cutting your own head off and burning your own body would tend to be a little tricky). This leads into yet another sickening line:

“Bella, the only thing that can hurt me is you.”

Followed soon after by:

“…You’re the only reason to stay…alive…if that’s what I am.”

Dear Lord, does he ever stop? And for that matter, why does he have to say her name to start every sentence? Does he have to remind her of her own name? Weird…
Either way, we cut to the birthday party at the Cullen’s mansion. The family all wishes her many happy returns on the day and take turns giving her presents. When it came to the final gift (from Alice) Bella get a deep paper cut while unwrapping. (Hmmmm, a bloody finger in a room full of vampires, what’s the worst that could happen?) Jasper LOSES IT! Turns out he too is still a real vampire at heart, not the weak, shell of a vampire Edward has become. He lunges (in cinematic slow motion) towards Bella with hunger in his eyes! Edward, being the sweetheart he is, instead of telling her to move, SHOVES her into a glass table then attempts to stop Jasper. (Talk about love…) So now, a simple paper cut has turned into a sliced open arm. Slick. In the end, however, Jasper is subdued and removed from the room and Carlisle fixes Bella up. Afterwards, Edward drives Bella home in her truck (which kind of becomes a reoccurring theme in this movie – all her friends driving her around in her own truck). They get to her house, awkwardly kiss goodnight (like a brother and sister forced to by gunpoint) and he leaves.
The next day at school Edward is not there (as Edward seems to do every time there is an uncomfortable moment with Bella…including in the first movie). Where is he you may ask? Why, he has broken into Bella’s bedroom and is creeping through her stuff…that’s normal, right? So when Bella comes home from school Edward is waiting for her outside and asked her to take a walk with him in the woods. Like the little lost puppy dog she is, she obediently follows. Edward Cullen proceeds to shock and break Bella Swan (and the entire 13 year old girl audiences’) heart by dumping her. Promising her “This is the last time you will ever see me again.” But not to worry, as if to antagonize things further he tells her: “…Don’t do anything reckless…” Apparently he doesn’t know Bella as much as we thought. Yet again, Stephenie Meyer’s over use of foreshadowing come to the surface.
Bella wanders all lost and pathetic in the woods until she passes out. In the trees you catch a glimpse of some big, scary eyes (The better to see you with, my dear…sorry – couldn’t resist) staring at her. The next shot is of the police at Bella’s house talking to the dad. He called them because of course was worried about his missing daughter (who, if he would’ve looked like a few yard into the woods BESIDE HIS OWN HOUSE, would’ve found her himself). Instead you see one of the ripped native boys carrying her out of the woods to her dad. All is well.
Now you’ve got a sad and lonely Bella staring out of her bedroom window…FOR LIKE 3 MONTHS STRAIGHT!!! (Her bladder control is much better than I would’ve thought…) It’s followed by incredible lame nightmare scenes with her crying and screaming at the top of her lungs. Even her dad looks like he wants to punch her in the face. If that’s not enough, she kept repeatedly sending Alice e-mails about how things are (or aren’t, I guess). She is, of course, oblivious to the fact the EVERY E-MAIL SENT has come back “Undeliverable”…OK, she probably noticed, but proceeds to do it anyways in some vein hope that she gets them.
Finally, after her dad all but tells her to get a life she agrees to go to a movie with a friend from school. After the movie she is walking with her friend, completely ignoring the inane babble that is coming out of her friend’s mouth and notices the gang of guys that tried to attack her in the first movie. In fact, in the first movie, that’s the first time Edward ever really talked to her…wait a minute…let’s go see those guys! Maybe this will bring Edward back! Of course, the sane person’s reaction is I wonder what will happen first, torture or assault? Not Bella, she starts walking up to them. But as she does, a vision of Edward warning her to turn back appears. She is stunned but ignores it and keeps walking. The closer she gets, the more he appears. Wait, does this mean the more I put myself in harm’s way, the more I will see an Edward Apparition?? Score! To hell with the fact, I’ll most likely die and never see him anyways, let’s do something reckless. (I told you that warning of his was a stupid idea). So after going for a motorcycle ride with the gang guy she sees a vision of Edward in the middle of the road and asks him to stop.
I guess, in the movies, a guy that wanted to attack once upon a time will just let you go and walk away if you ask him to nicely. (Another great message for kids brought to you by New Moon). She goes back to her friend who pretty much thinks she is nuts now and they walk away.
Later, realizing how lonely she really is, she goes to see Jacob Black for companionship using a cover of fixing some old dirt bikes. It seems her sexless life with Edward finally got to her and she realizes that she needs to get laid. So after multiple hangout sessions of talking and bike fixing (and Bella finding out what Recreational Cliff Diving is), she decides to go to a movie with a boy from school who has had a hard on for her from the beginning AND Jacob (throwing in some lame excuse why the other friends couldn’t make it, meanwhile having a boy at each side infatuating over her). After the movie is over and her school buddy is in the bathroom vomiting (because apparently gore in a movie isn’t his bag), Jacob professes his love to Bella. Bella, once sure, is now confused and gives him the: I just want to be friends line that women love to use. What a bitch.
So needless to say, Jacob stops talking to her. Confused at his reaction (as most girls are when they use that line) she goes to his house to visit him, and there’s Jacob sporting a new haircut, a tattoo, and a “Get the hell away from me” attitude.
All distraught and wallowing in her own self-pity; she heads off to (surprise, surprise) the woods. The same woods where Laurent (everyone’s favourite dread locked vampire from Twilight) is waiting to talk to her…and eat her! Luckily, she’s the main character, and a pack of werewolves were there to save her. Turns out, like every tale, werewolves and vampires don’t like each other (this way vaguely talked about in the first movie). So, no matter how fast Laurent tried to run, he still became wolf kibble. Bella runs home to tell her dad (and Harry, who was also there) about the giant wolves. So, like any law-upholding citizen would do in the state of Washington, he gathers a hunting party!
Meanwhile, that night, Jacob decides to give Bella another chance. He explains that he can’t tell her what has happened to him but please still love me anyway. So, the next day, she goes to Jacob’s house to talk more, when she is greeted there by the very same boys who were the new bad influence on Jacob (causing him to *gasp* cut his hair, and *shutter* get a tattoo). Sam, the apparent leader of this group of ripped Indian boys, and the one who found Bella in the woods earlier on, tells her (and shows her) that they are werewolves! Jacob comes out, thinking he is threatening her and turns himself into a wolf and a brawl ensues. While they fight, the other boys tell Bella to come with them. (Seeing as how Bella always comes when beckoned, she follows) They go to Sam’s house where she finds out the Wolf Pack isn’t really that bad…unless you piss them off (as Sam’s fiancé found out), then you just have to incur some domestic violence (to the tune of massive claw scars across her face). But luckily in this movie, that’s OK, as long as he loves her. (Add this to all the other wonderful messages portrayed in this movie!)
Back at the hunting party, Harry (who really knew about the wolves all along) sees some wolf tracks and covers them up so nobody else can see them. Just then Victoria jumps out of the woods, scaring the crap out of Harry, causing him to hit the ground and have a heart attack…that he later dies from. The wolves then come and scare her away in return.
So Bella, back on her adrenalin kick, decides to try some of that badass cliff diving she’s heard so much about. I guess she never clued in that waves are powerful and she almost drowns. Luckily Jacob was there (somehow) to save her…again. I’ve never seen a girl so USELESS without a man present (take that women’s lib!). Jacob then brings her home. Where Alice is waiting – and is very surprised to see Bella alive…and with Jacob. Alice told Bella that she had a vision of her committing suicide by jumping off a cliff. She told Alice that she was Cliff Diving for recreation. Alice then proceeds to insult and hurl dog jokes at Jacob’s expense (remember, they hate each other), but Bella interrupts stating that he saved her and that he is her best friend. Alice concludes by saying that Edward overheard of Alice’s vision (though she tried to keep it from him) and, thinking Bella is dead, has decided to go to Italy to provoke the Volturi in hopes of them killing him (because without Bella, life sucks).
Bella and Alice race to Italy, Alice steals a lemon-yellow Porsche (inconspicuous, I know) and they race off to the ancient city where the Volturi reside. When they arrive at the temple they find that the Volturi (led by none other than Michael Sheen of the Underworld franchise) have declined Edward’s suicide request. Edward (who was gone so long from the movie I was actually happy) decides if they won’t do it willingly, they will do it forcefully. One of the main rules of the Volturi is that if you reveal yourself a vampire in this city (by stepping out into the sun and blinding the tourists with your annoying glitter) they have no choice but to kill you. Bella then sees Edward in a shadowed doorway, removing his shirt and preparing to step outside. Desperate to stop Edward, Bella runs through gaggles of tourists to get to him before he goes through with it. And (as cinematic irony would have it) is able to tackle him (in true NFL fashion) right before he is revealed. Insert boring, sappy dialogue now.
Soon after, a member of the Volturi approaches Bella, Edward, and Alice (who is with them now) and commands their presence in the main chamber. In front of the elders, Edward then explains he has no reason to die now. The Volturi, however, are fascinated with Bella. They find out that they are unable to read her thoughts either (like Edward’s dilemma in the first movie) and wonder if they can do other things to her. So the one named Jane (played by the ever-annoying but yet kind of cool in this show Dakota Fanning) shows that she has the power to make someone feel like they are in excruciating pain. Awesomely she tries it out on Edward first. I think I enjoy seeing Robert Pattinson in pain or something. She then turns her attention (and her ruby red eyes) to Bella to see if it works on her…it doesn’t! This of course fascinates them more. They want to keep Bella. But Edward, who spent far too much time apart from her, refuses and attempts to take them on. Between Alice and Edward, they hold their own…at least for the first 3 seconds. However, the ass kicking laid upon Edward, coupled with the fact that Aro (Sheen) is about to do his killing of a vampire thing to Edward, causes Bella to say “Kill me instead!” So, without skipping a beat, Aro approaches Bella, stating how surprised he was that she was willing to give up her life for a soulless creature like a vampire. “This is a sadness, if only it had been your intention to give her immortality.” On that note he is about to make short work on Bella when Alice pipes up that in a vision they WILL turn her. They decide to let them go, as long as they follow through with their promise to change her (sooner rather than later…or else).
On their way out of the halls of the temple, quite possibly the coolest part of the movie occurs. The vampire leading Bella and company out passes a vampire who is acting as a tour guide to a bunch of tourists. After a comment by the guide about how juicy they look they proceed to go off camera, where a series of screams fill the hall. FINALLY – 2 hours later and it just now becomes a cool vampire movie! Of course it’s the end.
In the movie’s conclusion, you see Bella waking up to another nightmare (turns out that dream catcher Jacob got her kind of sucks), but Edward is there to comfort her. The two of them then got to the woods (weird, I know) when Jacob appears. Bella tells Jacob that although she loves him he’s not the monster for her. He leaves, and Edward then does, what we all know was going to happen, he proposes to Bella Swan. END!

In the end, this entire movie did exceed my expectations. The new characters (as I mentioned at the beginning) and the turn in the story really made for a well-made movie. Remember the whole Victoria being back thing. Aside from a couple of glances and a few conversations about her, that was all she offered the movie. Too bad, but I realize it’s just fuel for the next one, but still… UNFORTUNATELY, the acting and the dialogue still brought the movie down so much that in the end, I was still sickened by it. If Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson accidentally walked in front of moving traffic, it would not be a bad thing. THEY WERE HORRIBLE! As for the dialogue, I get it’s a romance Stephenie Meyer, but try to stick to things kids would ACTUALLY SAY. Oh well, bring on Eclipse, I guess.

Wow, this was a long one. How many people will actually admit that they read this whole thing? Post below if you did along with any comments.

Until next time…